Who am I Fighting?
Before I could barely reason, I was in school. Training for the day that I would drop onto Earth and fight heroically in the struggle for intelligence. I was good at what I did, and I became the true soldier. I fought valiantly for my country, and when I lost grades, I wept as though they were that close to me. I did everything right.
But then I faltered, became immature, died as a student. Ever since junior high, grades were not what they were those first campaigns. Production slowed, tactics went stale, and strategy went unchecked. I was lacking in my training. By high school I was a true smart ass. Wising off and making jokes and even being angry to my mother. Lines were crossed, and I came back just in time for High School. The training that life was leading me all culminated to high school. The little league sports, the Pre-AP classes, the bad social skills, all formed one large invasion to Friendswood High School.
I landed with what I thought would be mass opposition. There was very little, and once again, I became more lax in my intellectual fight. I suddenly became a soldier of occupation. Dull, bored, unenlightened and uninterested. Instead, the internal fight of age was growing, and soon I was becoming more and more of a human being, both inside and out. I was learning things and seeing things I could no longer ignore, turn my back on. I could no longer shield myself from the brutal realities of pain and suffering, but could not help but jump into the pleasures and sensations of imagination. With the battle over Europe being senior year, it was over, but the war in the Pacific was just getting started.
Now I understand these happened simultaneously, but bear with me. With the big fish in the little pond secured, I moved to the ocean, and I couldn’t be helped but be swept away. So much current and so much deep, I lost everything I had gained. The enemy had ambushed me, and I was back to square one. I counted all my resources in hand and managed to remain ahead, but only by a little, but something larger was growing inside me. The one fear of combat was beginning to boil, and everyone has their breaking point.
It’s been 21 years. A third of my life to this point (trust me I don't want to live past 63). The war is still going on, and I’m on Peleliu. One of the bloodiest conflicts ever underestimated by anyone in the history of mankind. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go watch the Pacific.
It’s here, and I’m fighting. Turning in massive essays, listening to online lectures, doing research. Taking massive artillery and still alive to fight another day. But the days are now stacking. If I’m to even make it through the war, it’ll be a long shot. Each day is long now. “Did you know that molecules are easily destroyed…”, it all goes in and out. All teachers receive is a blank stare. If they were to look straight at me, they would see a man staring at his hands. In sheer horror, they would see me gawk at myself, wondering “what am I?” The war of school has turned me into a monster, that does nothing but spit out line after line from nothing that’s his. I have become a shell, the man with the rifle. Who do you want me to kill? What do you want me to learn? I’ll do whatever it takes. I'd shoot a man just to watch him bleed. I'd run a mile if it meant a fight. Tear my heat out, as long as I can kill something. As long as I can teach history.
???
Is this what it really boils down to? 21 years to teach high school history? If that’s the case, I can laugh darkly and exclaim, “I really am a monster.” Because I’ve been shaped and molded into something terrible. Six years of Spanish and I’m afraid to put it on my résumé. I heard the best lecture of my life this semester, and if it were to happen again, I would not even blink. I would not even acknowledge his presence. Sure the notes would be on my paper, but I would just walk away. Waiting for the next test.
Waiting for the next battle.
Every day I wake up and think I was born to do something great. Now I don’t even know if I’ll make it out alive.
Justice
In all discussions of Christianity, nothing can be more prominent or serious than salvation and justice. We all like to think there’s a heaven, and we all like to think we are going there. In all terrible things done to us, we hope that God will one day punish those who are wicked for those that do good. As such it is interesting that we do not think on this subject more in our lives. In our minds, we must think that there is not much to it. We do not judge, but God does, and the wicked will die, and the good will live. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t quite the same on paper.
Black and White
Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and it is here that we are broken, and live in sin until Jesus came and saved us by dying on the Cross.
If you believed that you are nothing without Jesus, and it is only through him that they are saved, then you are going to heaven. If you do not, you will surely die in hell.
Yet somehow works comes into this, I guess. Works define a man’s heart, but they do not affect his entrance to heaven.
Even if you live a good life, do all the right things, make all the right motions, and never hurt another soul, you will go to hell, which makes the Great Commission that much more important.
Gray
Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and it is here that we are broken, and live in sin until Jesus came and saved us by dying on the Cross.
If you believe that you are nothing without Jesus and it is only through him that salvation comes than you will surely go to heaven. If you don’t, then you might go to hell?
Works do affect your entrance. But it is said in the Bible that believing is all it takes right? In James it says that works shows a man’s heart, but isn’t that a glaring contradiction?
This is so baffling to me, I have never gotten my mind around it.
Belief in Jesus --> Works --> Salvation --> Belief in Jesus?
Is that how it works? Okay so works don’t matter, but they do, I say this because…
What do I say to the good man? You know, the man who does not believe that Jesus died for us, but still lives a good life. This is the part where I tell him, “we all fall short of the glory of God, and none of us live the life that can achieve salvation.” Oh I’m sorry sir, it does, it really does, because to say this makes any hope of a moral compass disentegrate.
I’m losing my mind just typing this out. So if works do matter, is there a ranking of heaven?
Heaven
-Christians who do good works and believe wholeheartedly
-Christians who believe, but do not do “good works”. They live neutrally?
???
-People who do “good works” but do not believe that Jesus died for us
Hell
-People who do not do good works, and do not believe that Jesus is the son of God
Apparently the road to heaven is wider than ever. This is why I’m so baffled. This is why I do not understand why we don’t discuss this further. Am I missing the point? Would I rather get in by a long shot, than get in by a nose? But I’m still in right?
This is the part where people say, “you need to stop thinking about this, or you’ll lose your mind.” I’m sorry but you’re wrong, you’re very wrong, and it is because when I get to heaven and I’m before God, like everyone else, it will be a one sided jury and judge. Whatever heinous crimes I did, I did it in his house.
Do you really think I have any evidence against the creator of the universe? Do you really think I have some Ace in Hole card that’ll get me through. Even if I were to believe with all my heart that Jesus died for me, and did all the good I could in this world, God could still send me to hell, and I would have no defense. I mean why not? You’re not going to contradict the Almighty. Isn’t that scary?
So what do I say to the man that makes all the right motions. I would probably say to him, “if you want to get on the train, you might as well buy a ticket, so you can get on. Then you can load people’s luggage for them like you’ve always done.”
Can I really say that? Using eternal salvation as a “get out of jail free” card?
And this is the result: a confused and strained Christian who doesn’t know how to spread the gospel. I don’t even know if I’m going to make it, because I don’t know if I should go back and be a Young Life leader because it’s on the checklist of “good works”, or if truly in my heart I’ll make the cut. I would quite literally fall apart if God said, “this isn’t going to work out.” and literally fired me. Unemployed, in the dark, without an answer or a reason, because as king of the universe, he does not owe anyone answers.
Does no one else think about this? Sometimes I feel like I’m the worst man ever, because I’m constantly putting Christianity on trial. But it’s okay to have doubts or wonder right?
I’m sorry, but it’s not, it’s not okay. This is what frightens me the most. This is what makes me so scared and sad, and this is what makes me so angry.
Before I could barely reason, I was in school. Training for the day that I would drop onto Earth and fight heroically in the struggle for intelligence. I was good at what I did, and I became the true soldier. I fought valiantly for my country, and when I lost grades, I wept as though they were that close to me. I did everything right.
But then I faltered, became immature, died as a student. Ever since junior high, grades were not what they were those first campaigns. Production slowed, tactics went stale, and strategy went unchecked. I was lacking in my training. By high school I was a true smart ass. Wising off and making jokes and even being angry to my mother. Lines were crossed, and I came back just in time for High School. The training that life was leading me all culminated to high school. The little league sports, the Pre-AP classes, the bad social skills, all formed one large invasion to Friendswood High School.
I landed with what I thought would be mass opposition. There was very little, and once again, I became more lax in my intellectual fight. I suddenly became a soldier of occupation. Dull, bored, unenlightened and uninterested. Instead, the internal fight of age was growing, and soon I was becoming more and more of a human being, both inside and out. I was learning things and seeing things I could no longer ignore, turn my back on. I could no longer shield myself from the brutal realities of pain and suffering, but could not help but jump into the pleasures and sensations of imagination. With the battle over Europe being senior year, it was over, but the war in the Pacific was just getting started.
Now I understand these happened simultaneously, but bear with me. With the big fish in the little pond secured, I moved to the ocean, and I couldn’t be helped but be swept away. So much current and so much deep, I lost everything I had gained. The enemy had ambushed me, and I was back to square one. I counted all my resources in hand and managed to remain ahead, but only by a little, but something larger was growing inside me. The one fear of combat was beginning to boil, and everyone has their breaking point.
It’s been 21 years. A third of my life to this point (trust me I don't want to live past 63). The war is still going on, and I’m on Peleliu. One of the bloodiest conflicts ever underestimated by anyone in the history of mankind. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go watch the Pacific.
It’s here, and I’m fighting. Turning in massive essays, listening to online lectures, doing research. Taking massive artillery and still alive to fight another day. But the days are now stacking. If I’m to even make it through the war, it’ll be a long shot. Each day is long now. “Did you know that molecules are easily destroyed…”, it all goes in and out. All teachers receive is a blank stare. If they were to look straight at me, they would see a man staring at his hands. In sheer horror, they would see me gawk at myself, wondering “what am I?” The war of school has turned me into a monster, that does nothing but spit out line after line from nothing that’s his. I have become a shell, the man with the rifle. Who do you want me to kill? What do you want me to learn? I’ll do whatever it takes. I'd shoot a man just to watch him bleed. I'd run a mile if it meant a fight. Tear my heat out, as long as I can kill something. As long as I can teach history.
???
Is this what it really boils down to? 21 years to teach high school history? If that’s the case, I can laugh darkly and exclaim, “I really am a monster.” Because I’ve been shaped and molded into something terrible. Six years of Spanish and I’m afraid to put it on my résumé. I heard the best lecture of my life this semester, and if it were to happen again, I would not even blink. I would not even acknowledge his presence. Sure the notes would be on my paper, but I would just walk away. Waiting for the next test.
Waiting for the next battle.
Every day I wake up and think I was born to do something great. Now I don’t even know if I’ll make it out alive.
Justice
In all discussions of Christianity, nothing can be more prominent or serious than salvation and justice. We all like to think there’s a heaven, and we all like to think we are going there. In all terrible things done to us, we hope that God will one day punish those who are wicked for those that do good. As such it is interesting that we do not think on this subject more in our lives. In our minds, we must think that there is not much to it. We do not judge, but God does, and the wicked will die, and the good will live. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t quite the same on paper.
Black and White
Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and it is here that we are broken, and live in sin until Jesus came and saved us by dying on the Cross.
If you believed that you are nothing without Jesus, and it is only through him that they are saved, then you are going to heaven. If you do not, you will surely die in hell.
Yet somehow works comes into this, I guess. Works define a man’s heart, but they do not affect his entrance to heaven.
Even if you live a good life, do all the right things, make all the right motions, and never hurt another soul, you will go to hell, which makes the Great Commission that much more important.
Gray
Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and it is here that we are broken, and live in sin until Jesus came and saved us by dying on the Cross.
If you believe that you are nothing without Jesus and it is only through him that salvation comes than you will surely go to heaven. If you don’t, then you might go to hell?
Works do affect your entrance. But it is said in the Bible that believing is all it takes right? In James it says that works shows a man’s heart, but isn’t that a glaring contradiction?
This is so baffling to me, I have never gotten my mind around it.
Belief in Jesus --> Works --> Salvation --> Belief in Jesus?
Is that how it works? Okay so works don’t matter, but they do, I say this because…
What do I say to the good man? You know, the man who does not believe that Jesus died for us, but still lives a good life. This is the part where I tell him, “we all fall short of the glory of God, and none of us live the life that can achieve salvation.” Oh I’m sorry sir, it does, it really does, because to say this makes any hope of a moral compass disentegrate.
I’m losing my mind just typing this out. So if works do matter, is there a ranking of heaven?
Heaven
-Christians who do good works and believe wholeheartedly
-Christians who believe, but do not do “good works”. They live neutrally?
???
-People who do “good works” but do not believe that Jesus died for us
Hell
-People who do not do good works, and do not believe that Jesus is the son of God
Apparently the road to heaven is wider than ever. This is why I’m so baffled. This is why I do not understand why we don’t discuss this further. Am I missing the point? Would I rather get in by a long shot, than get in by a nose? But I’m still in right?
This is the part where people say, “you need to stop thinking about this, or you’ll lose your mind.” I’m sorry but you’re wrong, you’re very wrong, and it is because when I get to heaven and I’m before God, like everyone else, it will be a one sided jury and judge. Whatever heinous crimes I did, I did it in his house.
Do you really think I have any evidence against the creator of the universe? Do you really think I have some Ace in Hole card that’ll get me through. Even if I were to believe with all my heart that Jesus died for me, and did all the good I could in this world, God could still send me to hell, and I would have no defense. I mean why not? You’re not going to contradict the Almighty. Isn’t that scary?
So what do I say to the man that makes all the right motions. I would probably say to him, “if you want to get on the train, you might as well buy a ticket, so you can get on. Then you can load people’s luggage for them like you’ve always done.”
Can I really say that? Using eternal salvation as a “get out of jail free” card?
And this is the result: a confused and strained Christian who doesn’t know how to spread the gospel. I don’t even know if I’m going to make it, because I don’t know if I should go back and be a Young Life leader because it’s on the checklist of “good works”, or if truly in my heart I’ll make the cut. I would quite literally fall apart if God said, “this isn’t going to work out.” and literally fired me. Unemployed, in the dark, without an answer or a reason, because as king of the universe, he does not owe anyone answers.
Does no one else think about this? Sometimes I feel like I’m the worst man ever, because I’m constantly putting Christianity on trial. But it’s okay to have doubts or wonder right?
I’m sorry, but it’s not, it’s not okay. This is what frightens me the most. This is what makes me so scared and sad, and this is what makes me so angry.
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