In the end, all that matters to me is me. And all that matters to you, is you.

Are children good or evil? Make no mistake, there's nothing more adorable than watching little children play t-ball on a spring morning. The dew is just rising off the ground and children are squatted, with their gloves in between their legs as a balance. No matter how many generations go through t-ball, all of them end of picking up the grass instead of playing the damn game.

I remember in third grade distinctively walking two doors down (not three because Erich lived three, and not one because my neighbor was an old lady who showed me a typewriter), and I remember approaching the twins that lived there. They were older than me, and never failed to mention this dominance every time ownership was under question. That day i was booking it down the sidewalk. I don't even remember why I did it, just for fun, existential feeling of being stuck in a suburb box. I briskly walked over to the twins, who were luckily outside, and I punched the right one square in the stomach. Of course no one would've been prepared for that shit and keeled over with a "HULL!" His brother, obviously proven to not be a fighter, merely watched with horror as his look-a-like was gasping for breath. My mother saw the whole thing. I turned around and said, "I didn't do it." I'm sure she thought it was hilarious. I don't think she liked them anyway.

Assuming we've all read Lord of the Flies. Could we imagine throwing a rock on Piggy? I mean are children secretly cruel? It's hard to fathom, especially since the Lord of the Flies novel occurs on a deserted island, where no authority exists at all, except for one a twelve year old creates. The Left Behind Series ignores the question entirely and decides to let all children disappear. But we are not on a deserted island, and we are not in the Rapture, so looking at this from an honest logical perspective is sometimes difficult.

In fact most people categorize their lives into one of two philosophies:

Most people are cruel. From the Regina George who deals in deceit, to the tyrant that kills innocent people as an excuse to further his domestic domination, none of us are worthy of love, a savior, a husband or wife, etc. Of course there are gray areas; most people do not take it that far. The laws that people make and stand by are, in Joker's words, "a bad joke". In his case, he will do anything to revert civilization back to disorder, and if you believe this, he would have succeeded despite the fact that movie proved otherwise.

Most people are good. From Mother Teresa who gave herself as a sacrifice to the poor and downtrodden, to the Beatles declaring that "all we need is love", people have great capacity for something better. Paul Giamatti in "Lady in the Water" says a quick and heartfelt yes after being asked, "does man deserved to be redeemed. Each and every one of us deserves to live a free, good life with friends, and a husband or wife. To put anyone in a surreal abstract moment like a desert island and say, "they would kill each other" is highly unnecessary because most people would never end up in a situation like that.

Whatever the case, most choices in someone's life are dictated by extremely simple, but complex life philosophies like this. Consider the political implications of these philosophies. If all people are going to revert to an animal and savage existence, why on earth would they deserve rights? People of this nature should not be let out of the "cage". If all people are good, why are there absurd consequences for the most menial things? If any infraction is made, surely they are aware of it, and they will have learned responsibility and improved their lifestyle.

Here is a problem with these viewpoints. Most people have the good sense to know what is evil (see what I did there?). Evil is easier to classify than most people think, unless you are breaking eggs to make an omelet, which I will not discuss in detail. However when good is considered, especially in the political realm, was Mother Teresa a good person? Maybe someone thought that sacrificing themselves for someone else was stupid, especially if the said person didn't believe in God. They would've labeled Mother Teresa actions as a "bad investment" which any logical person would see as not the right move. Evil is so easy to talk and discuss because Good is so difficult for any group of people to draw a definite line.

Another interesting viewpoint is on dying. Understand that bringing up death in a conversation is a sure way to get everyone else in the group to stick their head in the sand. But sooner or later, everyone on this earth, EVERYONE, thinks about dying. Now what we draw from the fact that everyone dies is this:

Dying makes everything worthless. The children had it right when they picked the grass at the t-ball game, and playing the game is really dumb when you consider the rest of our lives. Why play this game of baseball? Because even if I become professional, other kids generations later will pick the grass lazily and replace me, and my name will mean nothing. Even if you wrote a book, we all forget Milton and Victor Hugo, and Ernest Hemingway all the time. It's not like I bring up in conversation, unless I'm feeling stupidly arrogant, "Well Victor Hugo always said..." like I knew the guy.

Love is not important. In the end, like Donnie Darko learns, "everyone on this earth dies alone." A man or woman who believes this often says, "what is the point" or "in the grand scheme of things, i doubt it matters". They are also prone to whims like one night stands, or getting wasted.

Dying makes everything worthwhile. Why the hell weren't they playing the game!? Everyone is born with an expiration date, and you've got this much time to create and complete the biggest bucket list possible. Do as much as you can and just "be". Despite the fact that people will replace you in baseball, understand it is not an exterior life that matters, but what is going on inside you. You will remember the life you've lived, and sometimes that's all that needs to matter. Even if you don't remember authors, reading itself is still great, because someone with the limited time they had, put their lives on parchment and you could read it decades after and understand that no matter how much gray college teaches you, there are still some black and whites.

Love is completely important. It's the pinnacle of our life. No one on this earth should die alone. People who believe this always think "well that makes sense" and are more prone to lifelong choices, but CAN still perform whims, because they should not be missed.

Most people think like that, but let us take this topic and turn it upside-down. Many people think about living forever, but the two death points can also be made concerning immortality.

Living forever makes everything worthless. Like Cobb in Limbo in "Inception" eventually creative power becomes pointless and we turn to memories. What can be achieved by spending eternity with one person? We'd all like to think it would be romantic, but at that point, we would be enthralled in some random stranger who was nothing like our eternal partner. What would be the point in starting a business, and watching it grow, when life did not end? With no one to hand the line down to but your other hand, you couldn't help but sulk. What would be the point of buying clothes, of eating food, or watching movies? By a few thousand years, you've seen it all. Like Dr. Manhattan of "Watchmen" he has become a puppet who can see the strings, and has lost connection with the world, because he cannot grow and decay with it.

Living forever makes everything worthwhile. Think of the possibilities. Fight in every war. Love whomever you desired. Travel to the ends of the earth and the ends of space and the ends of time itself. The chains of a permanent killer has been lifted, and your body has become frozen. Build a business and see it become the success you always dreamed of. Watch movies, buy clothes, buy everything! Eventually, you will be able to afford it.

All this culminates to a question I intended to ask myself. Why do I write on facebook? In a pathetic sense, I guess it's a desperate attempt at attention. If everything is worthwhile, then I should publish this instead of throwing it into the bottomless pit of the internet. If everything is pointless, then I definitely shouldn't be trying to clamber from the cliff with a pathetic attempt to stay connected. It wouldn't matter if I wrote or people read.

This is what happens if you are alone in an apartment for too long. It's like reality slowly rips apart your perception. This is why every Colton needs a Zane

I didn't really ask him if I could write about him, but all things considered, I doubt Zane would care (more on that later).

And I'm not saying that "Zane completes me" or any stupid crap like that. I'm saying notes like this do not get written when Zane is in this apartment!

I just finished Chuck Klosterman's book "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" which is really good. In it, Chuck mentions that all college roommates are the same. There's the train wreck that messes up everything, and won't do anything, and there's the orderly, sane, and responsible roommate that has to put up with everything and remind the other to pay bills, clean up, etc.

Obviously you can figure out which one I am. Colton is the most analytic overly panicking man to have walked this earth. I can spend four hours talking about any subject and never draw a conclusion. I can talk my way from girlfriend to marriage and not even ask for her number.

Zane has told me himself he's a cynical optimist. "Something will happen, but it will probably be for the best." It's a noteworthy philosophy, because in all honesty, Coltons rely on Zanes. If I'm panicking I can walk into his room and expect him to say something exactly whimsical to calm me down. Something like, "you haven't even asked for her number yet." I cannot keep my room clean for a single day, and it carries into the kitchen and the living room. I'm surprised Zane hasn't thrown my ass out. Zane would never write a note on facebook. Why? Because Zane isn't a whimsical man. He may not play baseball, but he doesn't pull the grass out on the field. In all inevitability, he probably threw down his glove and screamed, "I'm playing the french horn" as he climbed the home run fence.

All my life I've been trying to grasp for some form of higher truth. Either Zane doesn't need this or feels it's unnecessary. He won't worry about what I write about him in some note, because he couldn't care less. That's something I will never be able to master, because I am deftly afraid of being talked about negatively, so much so that instead of picking the grass, or even play the game, I sat the bench in hope that no one saw me mess up on the field.

To all this philosophy talk and friends and whether things matter or not, one thing is certain. Objective reality is out there, experienced by everyone, but your life is so much yours that it becomes difficult to explain sometimes. In the "grand scheme of things" or "things make sense" worlds, it depends on each and every one of us to decide how to perceive if there is a even a baseball game, or if we are even on a field. That is what is so great about philosophical questions such as these, because few things are more authentic that the way someone chooses to live their life.

In the end, all that matters to me is me. And all that matters to you, is you. It is the nature of things.