I am not going to tell you why I hate Valentine's Day
I am sitting in my freshly cleaned room, which took a full forty five minutes to clean last Thursday. Classical music from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is whispering from the same laptop I write and I am taking swigs of cheap wine; Black Swan in fact. To answer your pondering question yes, I am on a date with myself. I have stripped my walls clean of previous pictures. To answer your question yes, I did do some interior decorating. New posters with new paint for a new day for the same man.
I am not going to tell you why I hate Valentine's Day.
The new posters on my wall use florescent paint, courtesy of Walmart, the store that grants us everything except the one key to our hearts, unless we're addicted to McDonald's. I have painted two: a heavily penciled Zippo lighter, much like the one I own. The feature that really pops out is the flame, done completely in paint at the top of the poster. The second is a question mark, but the period at the bottom is the world. Very obvious undertones truly show how little delicacy I have as an artist. To answer your question yes, I have an infatuation with blacklights.
I am not going to tell you why I hate Valentine's Day.
In what may be the most overrated conversation topics in all of American History, we seem to have a profound hatred for something that promotes love. The top two reasons I have heard are:
1) The holiday has become too commercialized
2) It puts expectations on love
A close third reason is the simple "I'm single" which probably hurts the worst at first. The first reason is very simple. Ever since you wanted that LEGO set or Barbie Doll you've sold something to someone lock, stock, and barrel. You and I both know it was to be expected. You can't get through Saint Patrick's Day without someone shoving a clover cookie in your face. Do not think that Valentine's would get through unscathed. In a country and lifestyle that promotes buying happiness do you really think love would be shoved aside? To answer your question yes, my love comes cheap: a $4.50 bottle of Black Swan Merlot.
What was it that Don Draper said? "The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons."
What was it that Chuck Klosterman said? "I will never satisfy a woman. And that's okay, because I know that no woman will ever satisfy me."
What was it that Tom Cruise said in Jerry Maguire? "You...complete...me." (Ellipsis debated)
What was it that Belle said in Beauty and the Beast? "There must be more than this provincial life."
The list goes on and on. It's like a Merry-Go-Round. Constantly swirling back and forth between movies and tv shows and books and articles. People just cannot shut up about their love life. What does it do to Valentine's? It gives it expectations. Remember those days when high schools girls would prance around with their teddy bears? It wasn't so much the actual gift but the symbol. Here I am, being loved by someone. We all want the PDA.
Nobody wants expectations on love. NOBODY. I cannot think of one man or woman who says, "I look forward to thinking up a super cheesy and convoluted scheme of rose petals that lead through the house and finally end to a bouquet of flowers at the dining room followed by chocolates and a freshly cooked dinner." There are those who say we should expect that all the time. Please. There are humans and then there are slaves.
One of my worst fears is a first date. I have been told so many times that it is the one that matters instead I have thrown myself into some decaying jail cell. And as my room clutters up with dirty laundry and empty dinner plates I put my love into writing to complete strangers and I place my feelings on walls. It is some desperate cry for help, that maybe someday someone will save me from myself. It won't come. I know that now. But the fact that I expected it gives me the feeling that many others do about Valentine's Day. It comes and goes, but it never forgets to leave a mark. Not so much a positive or negative connotation, but rather a figurative time line mark on current events. Where do you stand? Are you happy alone/with someone else? Do you feel like you're being treated correctly? Would you give it all away for the opposite status on your facebook? How has your spouse changed physically in a year? Do you appreciate that?
These are many details I consider
Thankfully I am an independent man. I feel safer alone in my hermit present than ruining someone else's life. What have I proven with myself? I love to write. Writing has no expectations: you get what you put into it. It is only commercialized through movies of writers and tv shows of writers, but it says nothing of your personal status. You are only what you desire in writing. And when you spend time with it, it rewards you. And when you're single there's nothing better than a job. People love work like I love writing. For Valentine's Days such as these, I am content writing with Black Swan.
I'm not going to tell you why I hate Valentine's Day. Odds are it's the same reason everyone else has. Sometimes though, we all think about our status. Maybe not in some higher sense, but just in a simple one-dimensional task of "am I loved?" Some would give anything to have that one person be there and hold them up when they come in drunk and crying. Some would give anything to be held and have them tightly gripping your shoulders declare, "I see you. I know you are a human being. I know you have value." They would be patient, listen to your day. They would bring you perfectly timed tissues. They would even have a bag to put them in if it got out of hand. They would tell you that it is okay to feel this way. They would stare directly into your eyes. They would not let you whither like a flower without the sun.
I have torn down my old room decorations. I have put up new ones. I have cleaned my room right. I have started a new semester. I have retained my values. I have changed everything on the outside, but I cannot change who I am. I cannot change my objective self, the one thing I want to change. Because maybe if I change myself I might have a chance at something new with someone new. I have always been told I should never have to change myself, but at 21 I'm starting to believe otherwise. On Valentine's Day, everyone receives an untold gift: an objective glance at who they are as people. I eat like everyone else, I complain like everyone else, I dress...somewhat like everyone else. I have a laptop, I watch movies, and I pay attention to pop-culture. If we want to get straight to the depressing point, I have little to offer other than some blue eyes and a pessimistic outlook, which displays a lack in confidence. That's real. That is me staring myself in the face and then typing it. I think I've just found a close fourth reason as to why people hate Valentine's Day. A true representation of one's self: the mirror holiday.
No comments:
Post a Comment